Joke from another board

[Fisdu]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts
her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already.



The little boy says, "Dark in here."


The man says, "Yes, it is."


Boy - "I have a baseball."


Man - "That's nice."


Boy - "Want to buy it?"


Man - "No, thanks."


Boy - "My dad's outside."


Man - "OK, how much?"


Boy - "$250"




A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.


Boy - "Dark in here."


Man - "Yes, it is."


Boy - "I have a baseball glove."


The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"


Boy - "$750"


Man - "Sold."




A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.


The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father
asks, "How much did you sell them for?"


Boy -"$1,000"


The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the
father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the
door.


The boy says, "Dark in here."


The priest says, "Don't start that **** again, you're in my closet now".

[curveless]

:eek: :bhump :laugh :rofl :bhump

-Drew

[gixxxer351]

Originally posted by curveless
:eek: :bhump :laugh :rofl :bhump

That is funny as hel!. I don't know that I can top that.

[Ike]

Man receives a letter from grandma asking for some recent pictures of her grandson. The man, living in a nudist colony, only has exposure shots. Digging through he finds a nice shot of himself and decides to cut it in half sending only the top part for Grandma. He mails it that day only to return to the colony to find he mailed the bottom half of the picture to grandma. Nervous, but knowing grandma's eyesite is bad he hopes she won't notice the difference. He waits a couple of days for her reply. When the letter comes he opens it, "Thank you for the letter Charlie and the nice picture. I think you should fix your hair differently though, it makes your nose look small."

[gixxxer351]

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad
says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is
the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call
you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class.
Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about
this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and
runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees
his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to
bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I
think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are
being ignored and the Future is in deep $hit."

[gixxxer351]

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot.

The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!"

The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"

The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"

"Because the sh!t is running down my back!"

[gixxxer351]

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

[gixxxer351]

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job."

[zedx]

- 1st Graders Complete Proverb Assignment

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:

As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.

Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the... bug is close.

It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of... termites.

You can lead a horse to water but... how?

Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new... math.

If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than the... pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.

Happy the bride who... gets all the presents!

A penny saved is... not much.

Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.

Don't put off tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as... Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.

There is no fool like... Aunt Eddie.

[zedx]

What I Learned About Hurricanes in Florida in 2004

Credit Rex Rexroat

Submitted by John Hutchinson

Post Hurricane Floridian Humor


Some things I learned in Florida this past month:

1. Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ
grill.

2. No matter how many times you flick the switch,
lights don't work without electricity.

3. Kids can survive 4 plus days without a video game
controller in their hands.

4. Cats are really irritating without power.

5. He who has the biggest generator wins.

6. Women can actually survive without doing their
hair--you just wish they weren't around you.

7. A new method of non-lethal torture - showers
without hot water. This is for the lucky ones on city
water. If you have a well and no generator, it's time
to bathe in the pool!

8. TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are
painful.

9. A 7 lb bag of ice will chill 6-12 oz Budweiser's to
a drinkable temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep
a 14-pound turkey frozen for 8 more hours.

10. There are a lot of trees around here.

11. Flood plan drawings on some mortgage documents
were seriously wrong.

12. Contrary to most Florida natives' beliefs, the
speed limit on roads without traffic lights does not
increase.

13. Aluminum siding, while aesthetically pleasing, is
definitely not required to keep your house standing,
and during wind surges becomes flying weapons.

14. Just because you're over 21 doesn't mean you can
stay out as late as you want. At least that's what the
cops told me during a curfew stop.

15. Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the
sound of 14 generators.

16. People will get into a line that has already
formed without having any idea what the line is for.

17. When required, most any vehicle will
float--doesn't steer well, but floats just the same.

18. Hurricanes do keep the mailman from his appointed
rounds.

19. Tele-marketers function no matter what the weather
is doing.

20. Cell phones sometimes work when land lines are
down, but only as long as the battery remains charged.

21. Twenty-seven of your neighbors are fed from a
different transformer than you, and they are quick to
point that out!

22. Laundry hampers were not made to contain such a
volume.

23. If I had a store that sold only ice, chainsaws,
gas, and generators...I'd be rich.

24. The price of a bag of ice rises 200% after a
hurricane.

25. Your water front property can quickly become
someone else's fishing hole.

26. Tree service companies are under appreciated.

27. MATH 101: 30 days in month, minus 6 days without
power equals 30% higher electric bill ?????

28. Drywall is a compound word, take away the "dry"
part and it's worthless.

29. Florida will not see a baby boom in 9 months.
Things are already too hot and sticky. Why add to the
mess!

[zedx]

The Best Short Joke of 2004

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Crown Royal and women with big tits".

Submitted by Steve H.

[zedx]

What ever happened to our favorite Disney characters?

MICKEY MOUSE: Died of venereal disease after visiting multiple prostitutes because Minnie said "No" for 50 years.

DONALD DUCK: Served as a main course at Epcot's China Pavilion.

PLUTO: Caught by dogcatchers, put to sleep after he was never claimed.

GOOFY: Assassinated during first term as President of the United States.

SCROOGE McDUCK: Died in extreme poverty after being audited by the IRS.

HUEY, DEWEY &LOUIE: Involved in an underground child pornography ring.

CHIP &DALE: Extracted from Richard Gere's colon.

SNOW WHITE: Fell for the "apple trick" again.

DOPEY: 'nuff said.

SNEEZY: Died of pneumonia with Jim Henson.

GRUMPY: Executed after gunning down 15 people in a local McDonalds.

HAPPY: Killed by insane gunman at a local McDonalds.

DOC: Was sued for malpractice, lived the rest of his life living under bridges and eating out of used cat food cans.

SLEEPY: Never woke up.

BASHFUL: Now a stripper with the Chippendales.

MARY POPPINS: Shot down over Iraqui airspace.

CHRISTOPHER ROBIN: Male prostitute, died of a heroin overdose.

WINNIE THE POOH: Had a heart attack caused by a cholesterol level of 570.

PIGLET: Gunned down in a mafia hit.

RABBIT: Died of an aneurism while watching over his garden.

EEYORE: Committed suicide.

TIGGER: Accidentally bounced off the edge of a cliff.

PETER PAN: Christopher Robin's lover, committed suicide in despair.

TINKERBELL: Caught by some kid who forgot to punch holes in the lid

Submitted by Paul S.

[TheYellowDark]

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions,
then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests,
'Cross your arms over your chest,
and rub your chin with one hand ...
and try saying things like 'yes, I see,'
and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin
with one hand and repeats all the suggested
remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says,
"Now, don't you think that's a little better
than slapping your knee and saying,
"No ****...what happened next?"

[TheYellowDark]

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices
>her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses

>in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing

>profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease

>his pain.

>

>"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies

>quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to

>help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts

>massaging his genitals.

>

>"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

>

>"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still

>hurts like hell."

[gixxxer351]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[gixxxer351]

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

[zedx]

Bud ABBOTT and Lou COSTELLO's famous sketch "Who's on first?" might have
turned out something like this....



GO 200 CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM PETEZX9 . . . .
PETEZX9: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
GO 200: Thanks.I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.
PETEZX9: Mac?
GO 200: No, the name's Lou.
PETEZX9: Your computer?
GO 200: I don't own a computer.I want to buy one.
PETEZX9: Mac?
GO 200: I told you, my name's Lou.
PETEZX9: What about Windows?
GO 200: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
PETEZX9: Do you want a computer with Windows?
GO 200: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
PETEZX9: Wallpaper.
GO 200: Never mind the windows.I need a computer and software.
PETEZX9: Software for Windows?
GO 200: No. On the computer!I need something I can use to write
proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
PETEZX9: Office.
GO 200: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
PETEZX9: I just did.
GO 200: You just did what?
PETEZX9: Recommend something.
GO 200: You recommended something?
PETEZX9: Yes.
GO 200: For my office?
PETEZX9: Yes.
GO 200: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
PETEZX9: Office.
GO 200: Yes, for my office!
PETEZX9: I recommend Office with Windows.
GO 200: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
PETEZX9: Word.
GO 200: What word?
PETEZX9: Word in Office.
GO 200: The only word in office is office.
PETEZX9: The Word in Office for Windows.
GO 200: Which word in office for windows?
PETEZX9: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
GO 200: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
PETEZX9: Yes, you want Real One.
GO 200: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
business. Just tell me what I need!
PETEZX9: Real One.
GO 200: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch
them?
PETEZX9: Of course.
GO 200: Great! With what?
PETEZX9: Real One.
GO 200: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
PETEZX9: You click the blue "1".
GO 200: I click the blue one what?
PETEZX9: The blue "1".
GO 200: Is that different from the blue w?
PETEZX9: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
GO 200: What word?
PETEZX9: The Word in Office for Windows.
GO 200: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
PETEZX9: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
GO 200: It is?
PETEZX9: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty
much wiped out all the other Words out there.
GO 200: And that word is real one?
PETEZX9: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of
Office.
GO 200: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping?
You have anything I can track my money with?
PETEZX9: Money.
GO 200: That's right. What do you have?
PETEZX9: Money.
GO 200: I need money to track my money?
PETEZX9: It comes bundled with your computer
GO 200: What's bundled with my computer?
PETEZX9: Money.
GO 200: Money comes with my computer?
PETEZX9: Yes. No extra charge.
GO 200: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
PETEZX9: One copy.
GO 200: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
PETEZX9: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
GO 200: They can give you a license to copy money?
PETEZX9: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER . .
PETEZX9: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
GO 200: How do I turn my computer off?
PETEZX9: Click on "START"..........
_________________

[zedx]

IF MEN RULED THE WORLD: TOP 26 LIST

1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

3. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

4. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

5. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

6. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

7. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

8. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

9. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

10. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

11. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

12. Garbage would take itself out.

13. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

14. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

15. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

17. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

18. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

19. “COPS” would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

20. The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

21. The candle shops in the mall would sell candles that smell like whiskey and beer.

22. Women would have to obtain a license before wearing spandex or short shorts (sorta like conceal carry laws).

23. Women suffering from PMS would be required to wear a burka.

24. Gun racks would be standard on all American cars.

25. There would be a device that automatically raised and lowered toilet seats.

26. 2005 Cloning Act:"Only Brittany Spears may be cloned."

[zedx]

Joke: Powder Viagra
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

[zedx]

Joke: Confessional
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman."

The priest asks, "What do you mean, almost?"

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in."

[zedx]

Joke: Fishing Secret
Billy Bob and Jethro decide to go ice fishing. After arriving at the lake early in the morning, they cut two holes in the lake and drop in their lines in the water. After fishing for a few hours, Billy Bob has caught dozens of fish while Jethro hasn't even gotten a bite.

Jethro asks, "Billy Bob, what's your secret?"

Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."

Jethro asks, "What did you say?"

Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."

Jethro again asks, "What?"

Billy Bob spits into his hand and says, "You gotta keep the worms warm!"

[zedx]

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