View Full Version : Bad joke thread
Unregistered
05-12-2005, 12:11 PM
Got some really bad jokes? Post em up.
What's the best gift for a dead baby?
A dead puppy. :p
Unregistered
05-12-2005, 12:14 PM
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.
The Americans were incredulous.
Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine.
He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.
"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge. "Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one.
The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the fcvkin thing about half an hour ago."
Unregistered
05-12-2005, 12:25 PM
A rope walks into a bar and the bartender says "we don't seve ropes here" So the rope leaves and goes to another bar. Again the bartender says "we don't serve ropes here"
The rope goes out back and ties himself into a knot and messes up his hair. He then walks back into the original bar. Bartender asks him "hey you a rope" to which the rope replies "frayed knot"
BillB
05-12-2005, 12:41 PM
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing she has already been told twice.
Unregistered
05-12-2005, 12:52 PM
Originally posted by BillB
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing she has already been told twice.
Nice. :D
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's a evolutionary thing. Gets them closer to the stove and the sink.
JOS51700
05-12-2005, 01:47 PM
Your wife comes out of the kitchen b*tching and moaning. What do you do?
Shorten the chain.
JOS51700
05-12-2005, 01:49 PM
Your wife says she needs a new wristwatch. What do you do?
Nothing, the clock on the stove works just fine.
Tiffany
05-12-2005, 02:01 PM
What's the difference between a porcupine and a male-driven BMW.
Porcupine's have pricks on the outside.
:p
SpeedyCycles
05-12-2005, 02:04 PM
So, a baby Seal walking into a club.....
(That's it, that is the joke, re-read if necc. I know, I am going to hell for that one)
Frank
JasonZX6R
05-12-2005, 02:22 PM
2 guys walk into a bar...
which is kinda dumb, you would think the second guy
would have just walked around it..
Chrissy
05-12-2005, 02:23 PM
A boss is going to have to fire either Jack or Deborah. He decides that the first one at the water cooler will be the one to lose their job. Deborah comes in with a bad hangover, so she is the first to the watercooler.
The boss walks up to her and says "Deborah I've never done this before but I'm going to have to either lay you or jack off"
Deborah says "Can you jack off? I have a headache"
Tiffany
05-12-2005, 02:41 PM
Okay, you guys have forced me to tell this hideous joke that I've been telling for years. I'm sure you'll all get a kick out of it ... especially coming from me. Here it is:
Q: What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A: One's a snack cracker and one's a crack snacker.
I told you it was bad. LOL
JasonZX6R
05-12-2005, 02:52 PM
How do you get a nun pregnant... ??
You dress her up like an alter-boy !!
Did you hear about the new construction company that is ran by lesbians
No Stud work, All done with Tounge n Groove
jdimond
05-12-2005, 03:30 PM
Do you know what gay Indians are called?
Brave suckers!
SpeedyCycles
05-12-2005, 03:43 PM
Originally posted by Tiffany1000rr
Okay, you guys have forced me to tell this hideous joke that I've been telling for years. I'm sure you'll all get a kick out of it ... especially coming from me. Here it is:
Q: What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A: One's a snack cracker and one's a crack snacker.
I told you it was bad. LOL
Bwahhaahaa!!
What is a room with 50 Democrats and 50 Lesbians?
100 people that don't do ****.
Frank
Unregistered
05-12-2005, 03:45 PM
These are great!!!! Keep em coming.
Beau "Bo"
05-12-2005, 04:54 PM
Whats the diffrence between a pizza and a Jew?
Pizzas don't scream in the oven.
Chrissy
05-12-2005, 06:45 PM
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I
was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I truly am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed
frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
"I don't freakin' think so."
rjharris
05-12-2005, 06:55 PM
Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS were merging???
Their new name will now be Fed UP
SILVERBULLET'03
05-12-2005, 07:10 PM
Originally posted by Chrissy
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I
was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I truly am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed
frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
"I don't freakin' think so."
The man's version
Once upon a time a typical Princess met a talking frog. The frog told her that if she kissed him she could be his wife. Affraid the frog might make her get her hands dirty so she ate him with the biggest smile on her face.
Moral: Women are evil
THRASH
05-12-2005, 08:00 PM
Four middle age ladies are sitting at the dining room table playing bridge. One lady says"My husband is always out on business trips and working late so is to tired to satisfy me when he is at home. What do I do?" One of the other ladies says "When I start feeling hot, I go to the supermarket and pick out the line with the cutest sack boy and on the way to the car I lay down the game, always works". Out of the game the first lady decides to try her friends advice. Walking out to the car she says"Hey cutie, I have an itchy pu$$y". The young man looks at her and replies"Mamn, all these new japanese S.U.V.s look the same to me.
THRASH
05-12-2005, 08:12 PM
A lady walks into a drugstore and tells the clerk "I need 2 C cell batteries". The clerk motions with his finger and says "come this way". The lady looks at the clerk and says"If I could come that way I wouldn't need the batteries"
ryoung57
05-14-2005, 05:25 PM
An 8 yr old boy and a pedophile are walking through the woods. The 8 yr old looks up at the ped and says, "I'm scared". The ped replies, "you think you're scared, I've got to walk out of hear alone."
Unregistered
05-14-2005, 06:53 PM
What does Wal-Mart and Micheal Jackson have in common?
They both have little boys underware half off.
THRASH
05-14-2005, 07:14 PM
What is 21 inches long, and will make any woman scream? Crib death
Unregistered
05-14-2005, 07:51 PM
Originally posted by johnny rz 350
What is 21 inches long, and will make any woman scream? Crib death
Dude that's bad.
I laughed though.
THRASH
05-14-2005, 09:05 PM
I'm blaming that joke on you Brian, You started it. Frank, I have my bermuda shorts and Hawaii shirts packed for hell. Hope there is a beach there.
Unregistered
05-14-2005, 11:20 PM
Originally posted by johnny rz 350
I'm blaming that joke on you Brian, You started it. Frank, I have my bermuda shorts and Hawaii shirts packed for hell. Hope there is a beach there.
Me??? No way. LOL Well if your going to hell at least we'll have friends there. :D
dragland
05-25-2005, 05:30 PM
Why do guys sleep on their sides?
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Cause they have "Kickstands".
kawazy
05-25-2005, 05:52 PM
A horse walks into a bar, bartender comes over and says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"
kawazy
05-25-2005, 05:55 PM
How do you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Thursday!
THRASH
05-25-2005, 06:06 PM
Why do sheep hurders wear long boots? So the sheep can't escape.
kawazy
05-25-2005, 06:13 PM
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only 1, but it takes a very long time and the lightbulb has to want to change!
Klondike
05-25-2005, 07:00 PM
why does MichelJackson never win a foot race?
he likes too come in a little behind
Scuba
05-25-2005, 07:58 PM
Why is it called pms?
because mad cow disease was already taken
dookie
05-25-2005, 08:53 PM
an old man goes to the doc. for his yearly physical. when met by the doctor he is asked "so hows it going?" the old man replies oh it's going wonderful I'm 80 years old and I have a beautiful 20 year old wife who is pregnant with my first son!!! the doctor looks at the old man and asks "can I tell you a story" sure replies the old man.
"I once knew this avid hunter who was the best in all the four corners of the earth. One day he decided that he wanted to go bear hunting but on the way out the door insted of grabbing his gun the hunter grabbed his umbrella. While he was walking through the woods a huge bear came running at him roaring ready to kill and you know what happened???" "NO" says the old man "please tell me" the doctor replied "well he simply raised up the umbrella pointed it at the bear and SHOT HIM DEAD!!!" the old man looked at him very puzzeled and stated "NO WAY someone else had to have shot the bear" the doctor looked at the old man and said "that's exactly what I'm getting at!!!"
dookie
05-25-2005, 11:08 PM
why do blonds wear pantys???
to keep their ankles warm!
joshjosh
05-26-2005, 12:00 AM
how are women and screen doors alike?
the harder you slam them the looser they get
4Given-Squid
05-26-2005, 12:29 AM
Originally posted by rjharris
Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS were merging???T
heir new name will now be Fed UP Truth be told it was Fed Ex and American Freight
Now their Ex Americans
4Given-Squid
05-26-2005, 12:40 AM
Schneider International and J. B. Hunt Transport had planed to merg, but with the trailers only being 53 ft long, the entire name, Schneider Hunt International Transport, would not fit, and the acronym just wouldn't do, so they both decided to to back out of the deal. To make matters even worse, neither compant knew how to back up...:confused:
4Given-Squid
05-26-2005, 12:44 AM
Why do shippers and receivers always treat truckers like dogs?
It couldn't have anything to do with the fact that they
1) Live in a box
2) Pee on tires
3) Chase cars all day
4Given-Squid
05-26-2005, 12:50 AM
After not driving a truck for over 5 months now, I still find myself taking the long way home, circling my front yard three to four times before backing in next to my neighbors p/up. then trowing my trash out on the ground as I pee on his tires, then I go inside and slap my Mrs on her butt as I order dinner...:D
JasonZX6R
05-26-2005, 01:45 PM
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to The Rabbi and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi.
"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a Year they send us a complete **** ".
JasonZX6R
05-26-2005, 01:46 PM
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. "I guess it just leaves an impression."
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
gixxxer351
05-27-2005, 08:13 AM
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students,
one by one -
"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go pee The teacher replied "That would be rude
and impolite!"
"What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right
back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice
to say the word bathroom at the table."
"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and
show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to
meet after supper."
The teacher fainted.
shdwbtch
05-28-2005, 02:47 PM
Originally posted by 4Given-Squid
After not driving a truck for over 5 months now, I still find myself taking the long way home, circling my front yard three to four times before backing in next to my neighbors p/up. then trowing my trash out on the ground as I pee on his tires, then I go inside and slap my Mrs on her butt as I order dinner...:D
old habits are hard to break, huh? :D
Haven't drove over the road in 14 years, but I still call Darrell my buffalo :D ;)
meanstreak1000
06-01-2005, 03:07 AM
This one is for frank:D
What do You call cheese that is'nt yours?
Nacho cheese!!!:bdnce :bdnce :bdnce
meanstreak1000
06-01-2005, 03:40 AM
Got one more.
Mans driving through the desert and he see's a sign that says "peaches any flavor up ahead"
The man drives a little further and he see's another sign that says the same thing"peaches any flavor up ahead"
The man now is puzzled and as he keeps going he see's another sign"peaches any flavor last chance"
So the man stop in and see's an old man with a cart full of peaches. He told the man that he saw the sign and was curious about his flavored peaches. the man replied, what flavor you want? he replies peanut butter and jelly. The man digs in his pile of peaches and tosses him a peach. So he takes a bite and said this dosn't taste like p and j. The man says flip it over. So he does and takes a bite and says, wow this taste just like p and j! So he ask the man again do you have a peach that taste like french vanilla. He says yes and throws him a peach. The the man bites in and says this don't taste like french vanilla and the man quickly replies and says flip it over. The man takes the advice and does so, Wow this taste just like french vanilla!
Ok said the man u have convinced me but I have one more request. Do u have a peach in that pile that taste like *****.
The man laughs and once again reaches into the pile and reveals another peach, try this one the man said.
So he quickly bites in and says this peach taste like sh#t!!!
The old man then replies, well u got to flip it over son!!!:imp :imp
gixxxer351
06-08-2005, 05:45 PM
.
gixxxer351
06-08-2005, 05:46 PM
tHIS ONE'S MY fAVORITE.:D
gixxxer351
06-08-2005, 05:48 PM
...
gixxxer351
06-08-2005, 05:49 PM
I BORROWED THIS FROM fRANK.
gixxxer351
06-08-2005, 05:51 PM
..Yamaha
dragland
06-08-2005, 06:13 PM
Hey, Hey, Hey, easy on the Yamaha! They can't help themselves! This is your warning, next time I'm gonna have Little Johnny write You a letter!:D
One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnnys face grew serious and he said, "You know, Im not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off"
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
gixxxer351
06-11-2005, 03:49 AM
Originally posted by dragland
Hey, Hey, Hey, easy on the Yamaha!
OK, OK. here's a kawi instead.
gixxxer351
06-11-2005, 04:07 AM
Who'd know....Kawis are so popular in Berlin that Po Po uses it for patroling. Here they are taking the training course on them.
gixxxer351
06-11-2005, 04:17 AM
did you notice who the instructor was?:laugh :laugh :dblfng :laugh :laugh
gixxxer351
06-11-2005, 04:22 AM
another letter
gixxxer351
06-11-2005, 04:27 AM
WTF!?
gixxxer351
06-11-2005, 04:40 AM
ok, I'd buy a Yamaha
dragland
06-11-2005, 12:40 PM
I've been looking for a new lawnmower, And I've just found it!
At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word
"service." The act of doing things for other people.
Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Civil Service
Service Stations
Customer Service
City/County Public Service
And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I
thought "service" meant.
Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them
mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows.
WHAM!! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those
"service" agencies are doing to us.
THRASH
06-25-2005, 07:20 PM
Bob works hard and spends his evenings bowling or playing basketball. his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, So for his birthday she takes him to the local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says "Hey, Bob! How ya doin? his wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no, " says Bob. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the ladies bowling league, honey.We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife , now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desprately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is not buying any of it. She is screaming at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book. The cab driver turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real b!tc# this time.
BillB
06-29-2005, 11:45 AM
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on
his face "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you." replies the ugly man. "You know, I
live by the railway. Well, on my way home lastnight, I noticed a
young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films.
Of course, I went and cut her free and took her back to my
place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We
made love all night, all
over the house. We did everything you could imagine and
more. Some of the times with me on top, sometimes her on top,
every position imaginable!"
Fantastic!" exclaimed the bartender. "You lucky devil. Was
she pretty?"
"Dunno... never found the head."
bigcat280
06-29-2005, 04:52 PM
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: Green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared and stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."
Why do women wear whit e on their wedding day?
So they match all the other appliac
nces in the house
:D
TheYellowDark
07-01-2005, 10:07 AM
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a
severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go,
from bad to worse when one wing is struck by
lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she
stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young
to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm
going to die, I want my last minutes to be
memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make
me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten
their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the
desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man
from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is
handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown
hair and hazel eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his
shirt
.....One button at a time.
.....No one moves.
......He removes his shirt.
......Muscles ripple across his chest.
.....She gasps...
......He whispers....
....."Iron this --
..... and then get me a beer "
TheYellowDark
07-06-2005, 09:28 AM
Did you realize Payne Stewart's golf score never changes....He's always 6 under.
dragland
07-11-2005, 02:13 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds
him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as
he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers, as she steps into the room. "Why
are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when
we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears, thinking that her husband is so caring and
sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for
20 years?"
"I remember that too," she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out
today."
Klondike
07-11-2005, 05:37 PM
Originally posted by TheYellowDark
Did you realize Payne Stewart's golf score never changes....He's always 6 under.
man that is brutal
4Given-Squid
07-11-2005, 07:49 PM
Originally posted by dragland
"I would have gotten out
today." I have cried those same tears...:(
the way my son has been acting lately I would have like 4 years left myself
TheYellowDark
07-13-2005, 10:59 AM
Three Hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Georgia. One
says, "Boy is my wife dumb. She's so stupid that she went
shopping today and bought an air-conditioner. Hell, we ain't got electricity!"
Then the other guy says, "Ah that ain't nothing, my wife's dumber
than that! She went shopping yesterday and had a washing machine delivered." They all laughed and laughed, why nobody around here has plumbing!
The third Hillbilly said, "Well, I reckon my woman's got to be the dumbest. Just this morning I was looking in her purse for some change and found six condoms. Hell, she ain't got no pecker."
01R1_rider
07-14-2005, 11:10 AM
What do you call 2 rabbi's with jaundice
Orange Jew's (juice)
TheYellowDark
07-25-2005, 02:39 PM
Kiss my nose
01R1_rider
07-26-2005, 12:51 PM
kiss my nose was funny as hell hahah niiiiiice,
mrbodydrop
08-02-2005, 12:56 PM
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any _expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
:nway
mrbodydrop
08-02-2005, 01:00 PM
World's Thinnest Books
~~@~~
FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac
HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda
MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno
HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver
MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
DETROIT: a Travel Guide
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
b y Ellen de Generes
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME
by Scott Peterson
**And the world's Number One Thinnest Book **
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
mrbodydrop
08-02-2005, 01:08 PM
A banner for the teased:
bigcat280
08-03-2005, 01:10 PM
A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."
Unregistered
08-03-2005, 01:28 PM
Man, that's nasty.
I laughed though.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
'Hi my name is Tom, wanna fock?'
Hi. I'm an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
Friend: " Do ya wanna get Laid????"
Girl: " O, my God, your pretty forward arn't ya???"
Friend: " Well. I want to get laid tonite and don't want to waste a lot of time, if your not interested. then OK, I'll move on...
If you say yes ....."
Nice shoes; Wanna fock?
if I was a twinky would you eat me?
That's a nice dress - could I talk you out of it?
Hey baby, I like your shirt but it would look even better on my floor.
fock me if I'm wrong....but haven't we met before?
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
I wanna use your thighs as earmuffs.
Hey you want to know what I heard about you? fock me and I'll tell you.
Hey baby.....can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?
Excuse me miss, do you give head to strangers? (No) Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
Chrissy
08-04-2005, 12:51 AM
:D Why do men snore?
Because when they lay on their backs their "boys" cover their *******s and they get vapor lock :D
big bore
08-04-2005, 01:06 AM
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe
....
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.fur traders
SuperLoud
08-11-2005, 02:53 PM
Subject: Harley v Woman :
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson,
died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said! d Arthur, "professional to professional, you have
some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention than yours."
Tiffany
08-11-2005, 04:07 PM
How do you know when your at a gay BBQ?
The hotdogs smell like sh!t. :cool:
Originally posted by Tiffany1000rr
How do you know when your at a gay BBQ?
The hotdogs smell like sh!t. :cool:
BOO HISS
dragland
08-11-2005, 05:23 PM
Originally posted by Tiffany1000rr
How do you know when your at a gay BBQ?
The hotdogs smell like sh!t. :cool:
BAWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Unregistered
08-11-2005, 06:16 PM
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
***** Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
**** The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
***** Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
***** Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Do you know the difference between an oral an an anal thermometer?
The Taste.
Unregistered
08-11-2005, 07:24 PM
Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?
BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK !!!
SuperLoud
08-15-2005, 01:42 PM
Subject: Modern Day Child
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable
infidelity. Suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off..
Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little
girl was just chatting away at her father when, all of a sudden, the penis
smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Not
wanting to expose his nine-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a
young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey. "
The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes
she says, "Sure had a big ****, didn't it?
Unregistered
08-19-2005, 09:58 AM
Dwarf with a lisp goes to a stud farm to buy a horse, "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse ?" asks the owner.
"A female horth", the dwarf replies and so the owner takes him to his finest mare.
"Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?".
The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes.
"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?".
Again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.
"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again,picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nithe eerth", says the dwarf, "Can I see her twot?"
With this, the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina and holds him there for a few seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhaps I should weefwaze that, can I see her wun awound?"
Unregistered
08-19-2005, 09:59 AM
A middle-aged woman goes to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'. Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and says "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!" The befuddled clerk, suddenly in front of a growing crowd of customers, ran away to get the store manager.
The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and HE tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special.' Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!" And doing so draws an even LARGER crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that? In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.
MIKEtheBIKE
08-19-2005, 10:12 AM
WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMAN AND A REFRIDGERATOR..................
.....................THE FRIDGE DOESN'T FART WHEN YOU TAKE THE MEAT OUT.
TheYellowDark
08-19-2005, 12:24 PM
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin in every way"
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight, It should be okay next week.” He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together. An impressive work of art. !!
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.
She said, "You're the first… no one has EVER touched these.
He immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this, still in the CRATE!"
Chrissy
08-21-2005, 11:07 AM
The Bacon Tree
Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost
and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. And then they
saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said,
"We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell," the old Jew said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side.
Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."
The leader goes,back and tells his people that if nothing
else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know
those Jews -- they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.
Suddenly, indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who
manages to escape back to the old Jew, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."
The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We
followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds
of indians, who killed everyone."
The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets
out an English- Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.
"Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake.
It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!
Scuba
08-22-2005, 12:56 PM
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
TheYellowDark
08-25-2005, 12:53 PM
TEN things to say when caught sleeping at your desk!
10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to!"
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new fundraising strategy."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I ! had almost figured out how to handle that big ask."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
2. "Who put decafe in the wrong pot?"
AND, THE NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk........
1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen."
Unregistered
09-01-2005, 04:26 PM
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do
you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed
the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course,
one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here
are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he
picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his
house. "Yeah, I can see my! house all right. This sight is fantastic. I
can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha
ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there
with her...... He's naked, too!!! The *****!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull
the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his ****
off to teach him a lesson.
The hit man grabbed the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for
a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a
grand here....."
Unregistered
09-01-2005, 04:27 PM
How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to screw in a light bulb?
!!Wanna go ride bikes??!!!!
Unregistered
09-09-2005, 03:56 PM
Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? And who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."
Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Tom asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
Tom! Wake the hell up! You're shi*tin' all over the bed!"
I heard this one last night...it is a bad joke...so I hope it doesn't offend anyone:
Anal Bob had a Corvette one day...
the next day Anal had a Viper...
the next day Anal had a Ford Fiesta...
what happened to Anal's nice cars?
He RECTUM.
Boooo Hisssss:rolleyes:
Hey, its a bad joke thread;)
THRASH
09-12-2005, 10:20 AM
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
extremesanity
09-12-2005, 10:37 AM
Originally posted by JOHNNYRZ
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him. hahahahaa. :D
gixxxer351
09-12-2005, 12:00 PM
> >>Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned
> pretty badly. The
> >>morgue needed someone to identify the body so they
> sent for his two best
> >>friends, Darryl and Gomer. The three had always
> done everything
> >>together. Darryl arrived first and when the
> mortician pulled the sheet
> >>back, Darryl said: "Yup...his face is burned up
> pretty bad. You better
> >>roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and
> Darryl says:
> >>"Nope,aint Bubba."
> >>The mortician thought this was rather strange. He
> then brought in Gomer
> >>to identify the body. Gomer looked at the body and
> >>said:"Yup.....he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him
> over." The
> >>mortician flipped him over and Gomer says "Nope.
> It ain't Bubba". The
> >>mortician just had to know so he asked "How can
> you tell?". Gomer
> >>says: "Well Bubba had two *******s."
> >>"WHAT---- Two *******s??" asked the Mortician
> "Yup.? I've never seen
> >>em but everybody knew he had two *******s.
> Everytime we all went to
> >>town, folks would say " Here comes Bubba with them
> two *******s."
THRASH
09-12-2005, 12:22 PM
What do fish say when they run into a concrete wall? Dam!
SuperLoud
09-13-2005, 11:41 PM
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was
near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to go over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome.She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before
I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total
shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed
straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't
ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"
And the moral of this story is :
Always keep your condoms in your car
SuperNaked
09-16-2005, 08:29 PM
A termite walked into a bar and says..... "where's the bar tender?"
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship wheel in his pants. Bartender says, "hey, did you know know that you have a wheel in your pants?"
Pirate responds, "ARRRR! Drives me nuts."
Contrary to popular opinion, duct tape IS NOT good for fixing everything!
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show". "Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
what do you call a black whore with braces?
a black-n-decker pecker wrecker
Unregistered
10-13-2005, 03:38 PM
Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United
States when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!," a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at "The Harp" Pub in County Sligo, Ireland.
I'm ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed worrying news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub.
That makes eight!"
Chirac paused.
"I must tell you, Paddy that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy.
"I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again.
"Mr Chirac, the war is still on.
We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?," Chirac asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighed, amused.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers.
Also, I've increased my army to one hundred and fifty thousand since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!," said Paddy.
"I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day.
"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We've managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from "The Shamrock" Pub have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites, and, since we last talked, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!," said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day.
"Top o' the mornin', Mr Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac.
"Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy,
"we've all had a long chat over a bunch of beers and decided there's no fookin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.
A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket bout full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: And then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post onthe right.
Man: And then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain...
Chrissy
10-28-2005, 10:23 AM
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts. He told her, "Everyday when you get ut of the shower, rub your breasts and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great boobs.
One morning, she was running late. She was on the bus before she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Because she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, she got up, right in the middle of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"
He leaned toward her, winked, and whispered, "Hickory ****ory dock..."
Klondike
10-28-2005, 03:38 PM
Originally posted by SuperLoud
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was
near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to go over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome.She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before
I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total
shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed
straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't
ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"
And the moral of this story is :
Always keep your condoms in your car i would not stay wiht that woman after that
Unregistered
10-28-2005, 05:08 PM
Originally posted by Klondike
i would not stay with that woman after that
No doubt b/c I would still want to bang her sister.
dkoepke
10-28-2005, 05:39 PM
What is worse than a puppy in a barrel :(
a puppy in ten barrels
gixxxer351
10-28-2005, 11:57 PM
A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went. She would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went dancing and drinking on Saturday nights. Whenever the woman went onto the dance floor,the parrot would yell, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the mutha !@!#! burn! Burn, mutha !@!#! , burn!" The crowd on the dance floor would always cheer and holler in appreciation when the parrot would yell. This would make the parrot yell even more and of course make the crowd go wild. This would go on all night long, everytime the parrot went out. One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the choir stand with her. When the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the mutha !@!#! burn! Burn, mutha !@!#!, burn! She embarrassingly corrected the parrot, "No, no, you do not say that when we're here!" The parrot looked around and asked, "Why not? These are the same mutha !@!#! that was at the club last night!!!
gixxxer351
10-29-2005, 01:24 AM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it.... whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table....whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks, "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
mrbodydrop
10-29-2005, 01:48 AM
Originally posted by gixxxer351
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it.... whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table....whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks, "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
LMFAO!!!:rofl
Which condom would you use....
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'
Chevron: use them? people do.
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
MCI: for friends and family
Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?
Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam
Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!
Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!
McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served
Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities
Burger King: Have it your way
Dairy Queen: We treat you right
AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.
"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender.
"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"
"Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house."
So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down.
"If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"
"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"
"Good for you! You said the right thing.
So what did you say to your best friend?"
"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said...
...BAD DOG!"
Unregistered
11-04-2005, 03:33 PM
OMG that's funny.
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive.
'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.
Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee,he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.
'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'
What happened?' asks the doctor.
'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!
'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'Was the sex not good?'
'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years... but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'
Q: What's the difference between a girl and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you drop a load into it.
Bob and sue have been married for 12 yrs. And never have sex with the lights on.
One night sue turned on the lights while they were having sex. And was shocked when she saw her husband with a dildol in his hands.
Sue yelled “you impatient ****er! You lying son of a…”
Bob stopped her and said, “I’m a lying son of a *****? Than maybe you would like to explain our 3 kids?”
An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.
The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.
He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.
"Would that suit your needs?" he asked.
The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.
"Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."
At this the woman's eyes lit up.She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.
Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it Up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response.
After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over.
Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place. The frog made no movement.
"You see?" she asked, petulantly.
"Yes, I do," said the man.
Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, "Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."
A man who worked for a fire company came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're on the trucks ready to go. From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say bell 3, we're going to screw all night.
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1," and his wife took off all here clothes.
"Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed.
"Bell3," and they began to screw.
After 2 minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4."
"What's this Bell 4?" asked her husband.
"More hose," she replied, "You're nowhere near the fire!"
Chrissy
11-12-2005, 01:18 PM
Be sure & cancel credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless and so easy to see
happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January.
Citibank billed her for February & March for their annual service charges on her credit card and added late fees & interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now, somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member:
"I am calling to tell you she died in January."
Citibank:
"The account was never closed & the late fees & charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank:
"Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member:
"Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank:
"Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
"I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank:
"The account was never closed & late fees & charges still apply."
Family Member:
"You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank:
(Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member:
"No, I'm her great nephew."
Citibank:
(Lawyer info given)
"Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member:
"Sure." (fax number is given) After they get the fax:
Citibank:
"Our system just isn't setup for death.
I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member:
"Well, if you figure it out, great! If not,
you could just keep billing her.
I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees & charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member:
"Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member:
"What do you do with dead people on your planet"
mrbodydrop
11-12-2005, 02:20 PM
LMFAO!! Atleast it was Citibank and not another local large banking firm that alot of people work at!!;)
Unless the names were changed to protect the innoccent(sp?)!:p
gomerkyle19
11-12-2005, 02:30 PM
Ok so a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attatched to his crotch...
He goes up to the bar tender and orders his drink and the bar tender asks him "Did you know you have a steering wheel attatched to your crotch?"
The pirate replys "ARGH and its driving me nuts!"
Chrissy
11-12-2005, 02:56 PM
three priests walk into a bus station, the oldest preist tells the youngest one to go to the ticket window and get 3 tickets to Pittsburg and get the change back in nickels and dimes. The young preist goes to the window and tells the well-endowed young lady at the counter
" I'd like 3 pickets to titsburg"
he runs away from the window terribly embarrassed and tell the other 2 what he did. The middle aged priest says he'll take care of it and goes to the same window and says
"I'd like 3 tickets to Pittsburg and I'd like my change back in nipples and dimes"
Humiliated he returns to the group and tells them of his slip. The old priest decides he HAS to be the one to take care of this and goes to the window himself and says...
"Young lady, I would like 3 tickets to Pittsburg, I want my change back in nickles and dimes. And I would just like to add that when you die and go to the pearly gates St. Finger is going to shake his Peter at you"
Scuba
11-12-2005, 08:59 PM
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart the closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."
Thats when the proctologist fainted...:p
why don't (insert religious denomanation) have sex standing up?
cause it might lead to dancing
this was told at a baptist singles weekend
Wessabi
11-13-2005, 12:29 PM
Originally posted by zedx
why don't (insert religious denomanation) have sex standing up?
cause it might lead to dancing
this was told at a baptist singles weekend
same reason we sit down to brush our teeth.
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for 30 minutes, during which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. They approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes. Soon, there was lots of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have 15 more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even wider, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down, and I'll go on its head."
A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. Two days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asked the blonde what she was doing and she replied,"I'm hanging myself. "You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker. "I already tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."
A man goes into an adult entertainment store and asks the salesperson for an inflatable doll. "Would you like a male or female?" the salesperson asks. "Female, please," says the customer. "Would you like black or white?" "White, please," answers the customer. "Would you like Christian or Muslim?" This question confuses the customer. He replies, "What has religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll." "Well," explains the salesperson, "The Muslim doll blows itself up."
We should all be so inventive.
The phone rang as we were sitting down to dinner. I answered it and was greeted with, "Is this William Wagenhoss?"
This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is
calling?"
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that. I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he was calling this number.
I then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood."
I turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had
entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear at the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.
I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address,
phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
I proceeded to tell him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody.
At this point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his
running away.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table, why I had tears
streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for
about fifteen minutes. My food was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable
On a recent spring day, Jesse Jackson stepped out of his shower and began to dry off. As he looked up into the mirror, he noticed that his skin was white from his neck to the top of his head!
In sheer panic, fearful that he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he quickly called his doctor and told him of his frightful condition.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After a hurried examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse and told him to drink it all straight down.
Jesse did as instructed and then indignantly proclaimed, "That tasted like bull crap!"
The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low."
Tater
11-14-2005, 11:39 PM
President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting! in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".
TheYellowDark
11-19-2005, 03:52 PM
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of
symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the
following, please seek medical treatment immediately.
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to **** on someone's windshield.
A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life- sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?"
The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story". The tourist gives the man $12 and says, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.
The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?" "No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat, a bronze Muslim cleric & anything French."
gixxxer351
11-21-2005, 09:12 AM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it.... whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the
cue ball off my pool table....whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise
me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry.
I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his
bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the
monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out,
and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks, "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
gixxxer351
11-21-2005, 09:15 AM
A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went. She would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went dancing and drinking on Saturday nights. Whenever the woman went onto the dance floor,the parrot would yell, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the mutha !@!#! burn! Burn, mutha !@!#! burn!" The crowd on the dance floor would always cheer and holler in appreciation when the parrot would yell. This would make the parrot yell even more and of course make the crowd go wild. This would go on all night long, everytime the parrot went out. One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the choir stand with her. When the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the mutha !@!#! burn! Burn, mutha !@!#!, burn! She embarrassingly corrected the parrot, "No, no, you do not say that when we're here!" The parrot looked around and asked, "Why not? These are the same mutha !@!#! that was at the club last night!!!
Wessabi
11-21-2005, 03:02 PM
dude gixxxer...you already posted both of those same jokes on page 9!!! (or was that the joke?)
Unregistered
11-21-2005, 03:16 PM
Originally posted by gixxxer351
A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went. She would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went dancing and drinking on Saturday nights. Whenever the woman went onto the dance floor,the parrot would yell, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the mutha !@!#! burn! Burn, mutha !@!#! burn!" The crowd on the dance floor would always cheer and holler in appreciation when the parrot would yell. This would make the parrot yell even more and of course make the crowd go wild. This would go on all night long, everytime the parrot went out. One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the choir stand with her. When the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the mutha !@!#! burn! Burn, mutha !@!#!, burn! She embarrassingly corrected the parrot, "No, no, you do not say that when we're here!" The parrot looked around and asked, "Why not? These are the same mutha !@!#! that was at the club last night!!!
TOTAL REPOST!!!!
POST WHORE!!!!!!!!!!
blndebmbr
11-22-2005, 06:04 AM
What does a gay guy call testicles????
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Mudflaps
blndebmbr
11-22-2005, 06:05 AM
If a girl with big boobs works at hooters, where does a girl with one leg work???
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IHOP!
So when a duck farts does it make bubbles?
Fisdu
11-28-2005, 04:32 PM
Did you hear about the house built by lesbians?
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There were no studs, it was all tongue and grove!
Klondike
11-28-2005, 06:12 PM
If a grou of gay men and a group of lesbians had afoot race who would win
the lesbains becausethey would be all lickidy split and the gayswould just be bump assing around
Chrissy
11-29-2005, 12:10 AM
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (****, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (..and you thought????....)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness..." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
blndebmbr
11-30-2005, 06:05 AM
If you have a gay guy on your back, do you beat him off????
THRASH
11-30-2005, 04:02 PM
Two muffins get placed in the oven. The first muffin says "Man it sure is hot in here". The second muffin says" Oh my God, a talking muffin!"
MIKEtheBIKE
11-30-2005, 04:10 PM
FUNNY AS FARK.
JasonZX6R
11-30-2005, 04:11 PM
Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
.
.
.
.
.
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
FZWon
11-30-2005, 04:55 PM
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you at the corner
Tiffany
12-01-2005, 08:36 AM
Originally posted by FZWon
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you at the corner
LMAO :rofl
Nice one, Paul.
JasonZX6R
12-01-2005, 09:04 AM
Whats TALL and SHORT and YELLOW.
Paul on his Zuma !!
:rofl
bn02f4i
12-01-2005, 09:12 AM
When is a door not a door.....
...when it's AJAR!!!!!!!
(that's my mom's favorite joke so I had to put it on here.)
FZWon
12-01-2005, 09:43 AM
A jar :laugh. Thanks, Tiffany. Sometimes the silly ones are the best.
Tall and short and yellow? :cool:
What's green and has cobwebs?
Jason's cow
JasonZX6R
12-01-2005, 09:50 AM
Leave my green cow alone !!
:rofl
FZWon
12-01-2005, 10:24 AM
:laugh That one probably gets a little more action.......:D
FZWon
12-01-2005, 10:34 AM
A young boy, out trick or treating, rings a doorbell.
A lady answers, saying "Oh my goodness, and what do we have here?"
"A birate" proclaims the boy proudly, (with a speech impairment)
"A pirate, oh my, yes. And where are your little buccaneers?" she asks
"On my buckin head!!".............
mrbodydrop
12-01-2005, 10:45 AM
Originally posted by JasonZX6R
Whats TALL and SHORT and YELLOW.
Paul on his Zuma !!
:rofl
I didn't think you would actually do it!! LMFAO!!:D
Berserker
12-01-2005, 10:48 AM
Originally posted by Chrissy
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
I have a shirt with this warning on it.
THRASH
12-02-2005, 04:21 PM
Mr Honda, of the Honda Motor Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda,"since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles havechanged the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.
" Mr Honda thought about it fora minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him".St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introducedhim to God. He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor ofwomen?" God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am". "Well," saidMr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have somemajor design flaws in your design.
"1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the
exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and don't even get me started talking about the maintenance costs.
"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a wee look." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.."
mrbodydrop
12-02-2005, 04:23 PM
ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!:rofl :roln :rofl
Chola
12-02-2005, 10:06 PM
What do you call a deer with no eyes????
No eye-deer!
Okay, what do you call a deer with no eyes, no arms and no legs????
Still no eye-deer!
Okay, that was bad....
Chrissy
12-02-2005, 11:54 PM
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay Flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served Them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle And announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the Big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather Exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked You to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said,
"In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank You. "Tray-up, B itch."
Bra Sizes
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters
stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up
THRASH
12-03-2005, 08:14 AM
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
With that, his wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
THRASH
12-03-2005, 08:18 AM
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."
"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied.
"Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars.............. but Realistically,......... we're living with two Sluts and a Queer.
THRASH
12-03-2005, 08:25 AM
A woman is walking down the street with her
> >blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
> >A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are
> >you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
> >She says, "Why officer?"
> >"Because your breast is hanging out," he says.
> >She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were sitting in a bar.
"The view is fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional,"
said the Scotsman, "but I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in
Glasgow, there's a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there
goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks,
he'll buy the fifth drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman
there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another, all the drinks you'd like. Then, when you've had enough
drink, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid - ALL on the
house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims,
but he swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to
me sister."
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four
hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?
We've all heard about men having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below.
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the a$$ and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
FZWon
12-06-2005, 11:45 AM
:laugh
ryoung57
12-08-2005, 12:53 AM
Originally posted by zedx
We've all heard about men having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below.
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the a$$ and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
What is it if the guys want you to come out, but instead you stay home and help your wife sort through her doilie collection?
Originally posted by ryoung57
What is it if the guys want you to come out, but instead you stay home and help your wife sort through her doilie collection?
ummmm.....
***** whipped?
Unregistered
12-08-2005, 07:58 AM
Originally posted by kawazy
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be called chicken sedans!
AJ
Jason posted that 1 page back.
Alex does a lot of repost too.:D :D :D
THRASH
12-09-2005, 04:59 PM
So a man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
He looks at his wife who is laying on the bed, and says "this is the pig I've been sleeping with"
His wife says "what are you talking about? Thats a sheep."
Then the man says, "I was talking to the sheep.
THRASH
12-09-2005, 05:03 PM
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom,
cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Unregistered
12-09-2005, 06:06 PM
Originally posted by JOHNNYRZ
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom,
cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
That's a good one.........sick, but good.
SpeedyCycles
12-10-2005, 12:02 AM
Originally posted by FZWon
A young boy, out trick or treating, rings a doorbell.
A lady answers, saying "Oh my goodness, and what do we have here?"
"A birate" proclaims the boy proudly, (with a speech impairment)
"A pirate, oh my, yes. And where are your little buccaneers?" she asks
"On my buckin head!!".............
That was AWESOME!
Unregistered
12-18-2005, 06:58 PM
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
THRASH
12-18-2005, 07:26 PM
LOL awwwww shiot!!!
Fisdu
12-19-2005, 10:57 AM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first
man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a
raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
THRASH
12-19-2005, 11:03 AM
Originally posted by Frank'sSister
What do you call a deer with no eyes????
No eye-deer!
Okay, what do you call a deer with no eyes, no arms and no legs????
Still no eye-deer!
I just now got the punchline 2 weeks later:rofl :rofl :rofl
Originally posted by Fisdu
The man replied, "These are Carols."
:doh I must be real slow this morning, I had to read that three times to get it.:doh
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking the **** out of my ducks!"
blndebmbr
01-09-2006, 01:08 PM
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
blndebmbr
01-09-2006, 01:09 PM
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting. The older of the mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures -- they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son, Kalid. He's 21"
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".
"He's a martyr too” says mum quietly.
"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she whispers.
"Yes", says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Klondike
01-09-2006, 01:45 PM
Originally posted by blndebmbr
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting. The older of the mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures -- they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son, Kalid. He's 21"
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".
"He's a martyr too” says mum quietly.
"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she whispers.
"Yes", says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?" :eek: :eek: omg
Klondike
01-09-2006, 01:45 PM
WHy dont cannibals eat divorced women?
they are too bitter
Klondike
01-09-2006, 01:46 PM
What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
it only takes one nail to hang a picture
Klondike
01-09-2006, 01:47 PM
what does micheal jackson and caviar have in common?
they both come on little crackers
slowguy
01-09-2006, 03:26 PM
What does a fat white chick and a brick have in common???
Over time both will be laid by a mexcian...
Unregistered
01-09-2006, 03:56 PM
Originally posted by slowguy
What does a fat white chick and a brick have in common???
over time both will be laid by a mexcian...
OH SNAP!!!
This just in slowguy was murdered by Frank's sister in a tragic golf club incident
Klondike
01-09-2006, 04:19 PM
Originally posted by Unregistered
OH SNAP!!!
This just in slowguy was murdered by Frank's sister in a tragic golf club incident hahahahahahaha:laugh :laugh
Klondike
01-09-2006, 05:23 PM
what is the difference between acne and a preist?
acne wait until puberty to come on your face
shdwbtch
01-10-2006, 07:51 PM
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"
nonwheelying
01-10-2006, 08:15 PM
"My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!" must have been gay or something. ida asked for a gsxr.
Chola
01-10-2006, 11:43 PM
Originally posted by Unregistered
OH SNAP!!!
This just in slowguy was murdered by Frank's sister in a tragic golf club incident
You crack me up!:p :D
dragland
01-14-2006, 09:26 PM
Know what they call the day after 2 days of wind, cold, and rain......
Monday
Chrissy
01-17-2006, 12:32 AM
Oily Hair -
Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before
washing it.
Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several
times.
That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked,
"Do I smell like olive oil?"
"No," he said, sniffing me.
"Do I smell like Popeye?"
Klondike
01-17-2006, 11:45 AM
yeah i didnt get much of a gigle out of that one
Klondike
01-17-2006, 04:20 PM
i liked this one
MrNumber2
01-18-2006, 11:14 AM
A 3 legged dog walks into a bar in the old west and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"
MrNumber2
01-18-2006, 11:15 AM
Did you guys know that ALL babies are born male? They just pull the ****s off the dumb ones.
Klondike
01-18-2006, 11:30 AM
Originally posted by MrNumber2
Did you guys know that ALL babies are born male? They just pull the ****s off the dumb ones.
malicious snicker
MIKEtheBIKE
01-19-2006, 12:08 PM
heres one
First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.
The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."
SuperLoud
01-22-2006, 08:38 AM
LITTLE TONY FROM BROOKLYN ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."
"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
SuperLoud
01-22-2006, 08:39 AM
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father ?
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies TONY.
"But that's right !" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"
"What's the f ** king difference ?" asks the father.
"That's what I said !"
SuperLoud
01-22-2006, 08:40 AM
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word ?"
TONY says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
SuperLoud
01-22-2006, 08:41 AM
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss !!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN !"
SuperLoud
01-22-2006, 08:42 AM
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael !" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just f ** king beautiful !'"
SuperLoud
01-22-2006, 08:42 AM
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f ** king business."
Thank you. I really needed the laugh today.
BillB
01-23-2006, 08:12 AM
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
Sassybiker
01-23-2006, 09:33 AM
How many animals can you fit in one pair of panty hose?
1 ass, 1beaver, 2 calves, 10 piggies, unknown # of hares, 1 dead fish nobody can find.
Berserker
01-23-2006, 09:52 AM
Didn't see that last one coming from a girl........but then again it is Sassy
:D
sstout50
01-24-2006, 08:53 AM
I was out and about the other day and saw fishingixxer riding a horse, when all of a sudden he fell off and the horse started dragging him all over, so i ran like hell out of the store and unplugged it before it killed him.:D
01R1riders_Chic
01-24-2006, 09:00 AM
Originally posted by sstout50
I was out and about the other day and saw fishingixxer riding a horse, when all of a sudden he fell off and the horse started dragging him all over, so i ran like hell out of the store and unplugged it before it killed him.:D you got to watch out for those quarter merry-go-round horses, those fvckers are shifty
sstout50
01-25-2006, 06:27 PM
:rofl Yeah those merry go round horses are a rush.
John and Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by".
A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company".
A few moments later,"Matt's riding a new bike....."
A few moments later,"The Coopers are having sex!"
Startled, Mother and Dad both shot up in bed. Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?
"Cause Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a popsicle, too."
Dear Susan:
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I
swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little
boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about
looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as
one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Susan." I
look For you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you.
They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Ithaca Bar and brought her home with
me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my
desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies
that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I
mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an *** like a
tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch
being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean?
Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see
What I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a
Better heart than my moderately attractive Susan? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I
Found myself thinking, Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't
just her flawless technique or her ****ty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Susan, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Susan, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met in the Upper East Side
Last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She
said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom.
And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything,
You know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or Her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots That tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the Floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Susan ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid." Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Susan, She really is. So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and That
Gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it
and How that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see How even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
It's true, Susan. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could
Start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we
can. If you feel the same please please please let me know, otherwise, can you Let me know where the cable remote control is.
John
Klondike
01-26-2006, 02:57 PM
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! i guess it is the thought that counts well that and your baby sisters cinnimon ring
shdwbtch
01-26-2006, 06:06 PM
You never told me Susan had a sister. ;) :D
SuperLoud
01-27-2006, 08:31 AM
Subject: Top Ten reasons why Men prefer guns over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the
road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let
you
try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me
look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
cutiepie
01-27-2006, 01:39 PM
*WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST*
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
*WOMEN'S REVENGE*
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
*UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)*
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
*MARRIAGE SEMINAR*
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
*CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS*
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minute s later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this; yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
*WIFE VS. HUSBAND*
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
*W O R D S*
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men." The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
*CREATION*
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
*The Silent Treatment*
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up"
( Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.)
Klondike
01-27-2006, 01:41 PM
this was a repost
SuperLoud
01-28-2006, 09:47 AM
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do ****.
SuperLoud
01-28-2006, 09:48 AM
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.....
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
SuperLoud
01-28-2006, 09:48 AM
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
SuperLoud
01-28-2006, 10:18 AM
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar, both getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.
"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she replied.
"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man. "She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.
When they get to her house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather, jet black dominatrix outfit.
However, as she's coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.
"What happened?", she said. "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"
He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shat in your purse. I'm done."
shdwbtch
01-28-2006, 12:28 PM
didn't see that one coming.
bigcat280
01-29-2006, 12:00 AM
why is asprin white.... you want them to work for you , right?
***courtesy of Johnnyrz***
01R1riders_Chic
01-30-2006, 08:47 AM
Originally posted by SuperLoud
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
:bout
reckless
02-02-2006, 10:12 AM
A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toliet.
"How did you get in here so fast?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
THRASH
02-02-2006, 10:19 AM
Originally posted by reckless
A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toliet.
"How did you get in here so fast?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!" That's way bad...But I laughed.
bigcat280
02-02-2006, 10:23 AM
...So a leper walks into a bar...
reckless
02-02-2006, 10:29 AM
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a
steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke
--- yet you haven't pee'd once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five ****s you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of
alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...
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